i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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