Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
