Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
