did you get engaged???
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
