you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
