ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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