Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
