moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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