if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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