Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
