literally had 100 drinks last night.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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