Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
