I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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