I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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