I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
