At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
