holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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