woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
