i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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