Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
