I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
