Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
