Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
