I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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