Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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