Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
