drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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