there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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