in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
