I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
