I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
