And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
