yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
