I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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