Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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