my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Randomize
