Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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