I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
