remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
