i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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