My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
