How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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