What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
