my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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