Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
