dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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