I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
