I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
