My hand turned me down
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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