sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
