Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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